Letting Friends Go (When They Don’t Want to Let You Go)

Letting go of a friendship is already hard. But what happens when they don’t want to let you go? When they keep reaching out, trying to find ways to connect, to keep a tie when it no longer feels right? It’s even harder, it’s messy, it’s complicated, it makes you feel guilty when you really shouldn’t be, ‘cause people outgrow each other, especially as teenagers, when you are just figuring out your personality, it’s easy to not have much common ground with your friends anymore.

This thing happened to me recently. I have gone through many friendship breakups in the past few years. At first, I was scared. I thought that I would end up alone, that if I spoke up about a friend who had been mistreating me everyone would choose the other side, and I’ll end up with no friends at all. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Only when I let those people go did I realize who my real friends were, and it was also the time when new people started coming into my life, when new relationships were formed. The moment I realized that I will never actually be alone because I will always have myself, and after all, for new people to come in my life I had to let go of the ones who were already there but no longer brought me happiness, it was the moment when I gained actual strength. Honestly, after all that, I could say that I am no longer scared of having no friends because I am also pretty sure that couldn’t really happen.I have never been a confrontational person. Most of the time when I feel disrespected or mistreated I just let go of that person, even if it’s only in my head. But this really depends on the person because if it’s a really close friend of mine you can bet I will speak. Those more intimate and close friendships are really important to me.

So what to do when you feel like you’ve outgrown your friends and you’ve already made up your mind to let it go, but they just won’t actually leave you alone?  

First, it would be best to ask yourself “why?”, realizing why you want to leave a friendship will make it easier for you to actually stand on business. It would probably be best if you try to distance from them naturally at first so that it wouldn’t come as that big of a shock for them.

To be honest, the best thing that you could do is to discuss your boundaries, to tell them how you actually feel. But I think that it is also the hardest choice, especially if you and that friend are for sure going to cross paths sometimes, and after you do it you might feel guilty for letting go of someone who still wanted you in their life, but in the end you’ll be happier, you’ll find other people to fill the void, and so will they. Also remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. Boundaries are for you, not for them.

It’s really important to not feel guilty for choosing yourself, if the friendship isn’t serving you anymore, you don’t have to stay just to make them feel better. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t erase the good times you had. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to walk away.

It also matters that you accept that they won’t understand, that they will probably feel angry or sad, but that’s not something you can control. What you can control is your decision to move on, and remember that it’s okay to miss them sometimes, because it’s not like all the memories you had together disappeared. It’s okay to wonder if you made the right choice. But deep down, you know when a friendship has run its course. Letting go doesn’t mean you never cared, it just means you’re growing in a different direction. And that’s okay.

But what if you are in the same friendgroup?

In that case, also mine, I think that it would be best to just distance yourself, naturally, while also keeping the group hang-outs drama-free. But let’s be clear: this won’t be a clean break. It will sometimes be uncomfortable, there will probably be some side-eyes and awkward situations, but eventually everything will settle and the group will adapt.

But what’s important is that if they feel you’re pulling away and ask, you have to be honest, you have to tell them how you feel, not necessarily list everything bad that they did to you, but just give them your reason so that they’ll understand better what’s happening.

You might worry that your friend group will take sides, but most people just want to keep the peace. Over time, things will shift, maybe you’ll grow closer to some friends and drift from others. That’s normal. Just focus on maintaining the friendships that still feel right for you.

Final thoughts

I won’t lie, letting go of a friend is hard until you get used to it, as I said I am going through something similar and I get how hard, messy and complicated it is, but I also feel like the end result will be worth it. After all, not every friendship is made to last forever, and most of the friendships made in high school will eventually fade away.

And who knows? Maybe we’ll reconnect in the future when we’ve both grown into different versions of ourselves. But for now, I’m choosing to let go, trust the process, and make space for what’s meant for me.